I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
These tits shall not be calmed
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
