it hurts more in the daytime
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
