So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
