Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I am available for nakedness
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
