I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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