i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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