I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
