dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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