i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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