i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
and you fell through a lawn chair
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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