If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
