I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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