Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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