Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We left an ass print on the piano.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
