Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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