I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
