I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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