i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
