Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize