his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
