If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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