I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
