He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
