I skipped work to stalk him.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
