he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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