you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
