How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
