I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
