so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
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Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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