If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
