I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
