I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
