So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
