I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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