The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
