Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
