he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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