i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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