My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
they need to just BURY HIM!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
