Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How does it feel to date your dad?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
