woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
