Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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