Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
