Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
