I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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