So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How does one acquire holy water?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
