I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
