The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
