just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
