so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
