i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
