i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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