dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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