Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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